If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
