I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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