I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
