if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
