you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
