fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
