That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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