Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
