im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we're making bets on your personal life
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
