Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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