Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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