I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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