I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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