If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
