dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
