haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
