Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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