ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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