I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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