So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Mom said you looked used
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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