4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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