woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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