Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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