drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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