and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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