omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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