i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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