this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
