Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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