I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
