my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
