My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
