so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
