jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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