nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
