Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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