girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
