I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
