I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
