Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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