Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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