so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
