You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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