Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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