guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
