You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
