i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
