We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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