I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its not stalking. its research.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
