saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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